Siri, are bunnies just gay rabbits?
Siri, how expensive is it to send your cat to Space Camp?
Siri, is it legal to own a trombone made out of deli meat?
Siri, grandma’s are supposed to be racist, neh, super racist right?
Siri, did John Hancock invent masturbating?
Siri, cats are girls and dogs are boys right?
Siri, what are some dinosaur documentaries other than Jurassic Park?
Siri, I just gave $10 to ASPCA then walked by a dozen homeless people without blinking. Am I a terrible person, or am I the worst person?
Siri, can I put a restraining order on my neighbor’s gerbil?
Siri, why are all the moms on this playground staring at me?
Siri, will my credits from Clown College transfer to ITT Tech?
Siri, let’s be honest, bikes are just gay motorcyles right?
Siri, I paid for magic lessons for my cat, but now he won’t perform any magic tricks for me. Is there some sort of legal action I can take against him?
Siri, do you think the Sklar twins fuck each other?
I’ve comprised a list of things that should be considered fair reasons for a person to commit murder. I need 50,000 signatures to get these passed as law. Please, please help rid the world of these people.
1. Pulling out a list in front of someone at Subway. Those lazy fuckers won’t lose any weight anyways if you bring them a sweet onion chicken teriyaki right to their computer chair. (It’s not diet food if it’s covered in ranch ass-holes)
2. Calling shotgun while still in the house. (It’s like calling all-time shotgun for the whole day, it doesn’t actually exist.)
3. Using the word ‘epic’ to describe a hamburger or a night out at the local bar. (Spending 40 bucks on Jager bombs with five of your ass-hole friends is not epic. Epic is sharing a dragon burger with Robert Plant while Jennifer Aniston licks peanut butter off your toes.)
4. Asking a college kid how school is going. (It’s not going well, and they can’t wait to leave this awkward family event so they can get high on bath salts or jenkem or whatever the fuck kids do now.)
5. Wearing white sneakers with a leather coat. (I’m talking about you, 45 year old white males.)
6. Telling high school football stories after the age 21. (Did you ever notice the ones who talk about it the most are the ones who didn’t really play anyways?)
7. Playing someone’s turn on Super Mario Bros. and dying when they go into the other room to get a re-fill on kool-aid. (It’s bad enough they have to play with Luigi man.)
8. Being Michael Bay (Don’t be Michael Bay)
9. Pinching your nose when jumping off a diving board. (If you’re over 3 and you do this you deserve to be drowned in the baby pool.)
10. Wearing your tie on your head during a wedding reception. (This just made the 2012 Douchebag Hall of Fame.)
I’ve devised a fool-proof scientific test to help you understand the severity of your alcohol or drug problem, or lack of. Answer all these questions honestly and at the end tally up how many you answered A,B, or C. At the end there will be a scale to determine where you stand.
Q1. The big marathon you’ve been training for is tomorrow so you….
A. Make sure to stay hydrated, stretch thouroughly and get plenty of rest for the big race.
B. Go to the bar, get dead-beat dad drunk on well vodka, say fuck it and skip the marathon.
C. Make sure to stay hydrated, wake up the next day, spend an entire week’s check on cocaine, break the world record for the fastest first half mile, then get kicked out of the race for fighting a volunteer that passes out water.
Q2. You’ve been notified that you have to report to rehab for drug abuse in 48 hours so you…
A. Quickly go to the court house to clear up this obvious misunderstanding.
B. Finish the beer and whiskey shot in front of you, and then one more beer, then go to the court house to clear up this possible misunderstanding.
C. Spend the next two days doing every drug you can get your hands on.
Q3. It’s your family Christmas, and your relatives say to you….
A. “Merry Christmas & Happy New Year”, then you have a wonderful time!
B. “It’s noon, don’t you think it’s a little too early to be drinking that much liquor”, then you have a wonderful time!
C. “Why don’t you smoke that outside”, then you try to smoke a joint full of mistle-toe because you finished all of your ‘travel marijuana.’ then you have a wonderful time!
Q4. The traveling circus is in town so you…
A. Buy a ticket then go to the circus.
B. Stay at the bar, make fun of the circus then barf well tequila into your hat.
C. Buy a ticket then go to the circus. (on drugs)
Q5. You’ve just won $1,800 on a scratch off lottery ticket so you…
A. Tithe the first 10%, make an extra payment on your student loan, then take your grandparents out to an early dinner at Friendly’s.
B. Spend it buying drinks and shots for everyone in the bar and learn what it feels like to have friends, if just for a night.
C. Purchase a new Zippo lighter and pack of smokes, then buy $1767 worth of cocaine and pills.
Q6. On the last first date you were on you….
A. Dropped that person off early, got a good night kiss and are still with them today.
B. Go to town on that person in the back of a Dodge Status for hours, never finishing, and have yet to talk to them since.
C. Rushed that person to the E.R. while stabbing them in the chest with an adreniline needle after a near fatal cocaine/pill cocktail, and are still with them today.
If you answered A to any of these questions you do not have a problem with drugs or alcohol and you’re probably pretty boring to be around. If you answered B. to only one of these questions you have a problem with alcohol. Here is the severity chart: (1-2 B’s) David Hasselhoff (3-4 B’s) John Daly (5-6 B’s) Peter O’Toole. If you answered C to any of these you have a drug problem and if you REALLY answered C to one you should get help like now! (1-2 C’s) Motley Crue (3-4 C’s) Charlie Sheen (5-6 C’s) Amy Winehouse. You’re Welcome, @MoMohler
http://wesingyourtweets.posterous.com/re-sweet-momohler Funny video of one of my tweets turned into a song!
These are some things I’ve done in the last few days:
1. Learned what class-action lawsuit means, kind of.
2. Mixed mentos with coke like all the kids are talking about. I don’t recomend it. I spent 90 bucks on coke, got super high and I have no idea what the point was.
3. Went to the dentist 16 times in one week so I won’t have to go back ever again. Smart.
4. Infused my enitire weeks worth of meals with 140 proof grain alcohol.
5. Had a picnic in a cemetery by a random grave, just like in the movies.
6. Gave my opinion to my friend as he tried on crazy outfits in a department store until we found that perfect one, just like in the movies.
7. Bought a dilapidated shrimp boat with my old Army buddy that has no legs, just like in the movies.
8. Got arrested by a D.A.R.E. officer.
9. Gave myself a home-made colonoscopy.
10 Trained the neighborhood’s stray cats to perform Macbeth.
11. Painted the grim reaper on a chopper giving the fist to a full moon on the side of my neighbors van.
Time travel is no longer a sci-fi dream, it has become reality, a reality created by me and my love for history of mankind. It really wasn’t too difficult and most of the materials to create my machine I had around my house, the rest I picked up at Home Depot. Whenever talking about time travel you must talk about the butterfly effect. Basically the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions, meaning a small change at one place in time can make a large change at a later date. This theory turned out to be very true. Over the last few years I’ve been traveling back in time to important events and moments in human history. After every return to current time some sort of butterfly effects have taken place, you don’t notice these changes and know it as your only reality. Some of the changes have been good and some bad, the world I last left was a world where MTV still played music videos and we all had those hover boards from Back to The Future.
When talking about the ability to go back in time for the good of humanity we always come to Adolf Hitler. If you could go back and kill Hitler before World War 2 would you do it? This is where I had to start. I set my machine for 1935 and off I went. Once I found Hitler, I was set to kill him, however I froze when the time came. I didn’t have it in me to kill so I did the next best thing; I found a translator and sat down with Adolf and over a few beers I made him promise to not do those awful things, and he promised. After returning to 2011 I realized he lied. Looks like I’ll have to go back, but this time I’ll pull out the big guns and make him pinky swear. Even the most evil monsters can’t go back on a pinky swear. I consider this a failed attempt, however my next adventure turned out to be a positive, well, for me anyways.
Over the years I’ve had my own JFK assassination conspiracy theory. For 50 years we’ve asked our selves who was the shooter? Was it Oswald? Was it someone on the grassy knoll? Was it someone in the sewers? Was it someone on the highway over-pass? To me none of these are right, because there was NO shooter. I feel it was an inside job, a team project between two secret best friends who wanted Kennedy dead, Texas governor John Connally and Cuba’s Fidel Castro. I was off to prove it.
I set my machine to November 21, 1963, the day before the assassination, and went to Dallas. I took some cameras and hid them along the parade route. If anything could prove my theory it would be 1990’s technology. (I could only afford some old VHS style cameras) (they were hard to hide too) The next day I set up camp behind Abraham Zapruder (the man who filmed the assassination) and prepared myself for what was about to happen, and what happened blew my mind. (no pun intended) I waited as the car slowly drove by and right in front of me, time slowed down, and BANG, and it was over. I looked everywhere, nothing in the school book depository, or the grassy knoll, nor the sewer or the over pass. I rushed to collect my cameras and headed back to my machine and set the date for 1993. I had to go to 1993 so I could find something to watch the VHS tapes on. The first placed I stopped was the movie theater so I could make fun of the people in line to watch Shaquille O’neals new movie Shazam! (not a good film) I watched the tapes and what to my surprise, I was right all along. During the first few minutes of the trip you can see Gov. Connally hand Kennedy a cigar, and not just any cigar, but a Cuban cigar, and not just any Cuban cigar, but an exploding Cuban cigar, a Cuban cigar hand rolled by Fidel himself. Once the flame got to a certain point it was ka-blooey, and the President’s head became an open faced reuben sandwhich. I didn’t get in the way and change the future but I did get to prove that I was right all along.
In my next post I’ll talk about the times I’ve taken advantage of my machine for personal and monetary gain. Oh yeah, it works.
When it’s time to make waste, I waste no time. I flow fast and furious like a Busta Rhymes’ rhyme.
I’m calm and collected like Steve McQueen, I do my work on my throne like the Burger King’s King.
Things are going fine, the it hits, oh no. In the other room sits my precious smart phone.
My jeans are my handcuffs like an encarcerated crook. What I wouldn’t do right now for just one glance at Facebook.
Paralyzed from the shock I sit blank faced on my shitter. I read a shampoo bottle and just think, it could be twitter.
I wonder what I’m missing on glorious twitter timeline, possibly a Tim Tebow joke or a new “Monday Sucks” line.
I sit there quiet as a single tear drop fell, I curse my impatience and of course Taco Bell.
The pain of last night’s dinner like a Door’s song is breaking on through. If I had my lovely smart phone I’d surely write my Yelp review.