Siri, are bunnies just gay rabbits?
Siri, how expensive is it to send your cat to Space Camp?
Siri, is it legal to own a trombone made out of deli meat?
Siri, grandma’s are supposed to be racist, neh, super racist right?
Siri, did John Hancock invent masturbating?
Siri, cats are girls and dogs are boys right?
Siri, what are some dinosaur documentaries other than Jurassic Park?
Siri, I just gave $10 to ASPCA then walked by a dozen homeless people without blinking. Am I a terrible person, or am I the worst person?
Siri, can I put a restraining order on my neighbor’s gerbil?
Siri, why are all the moms on this playground staring at me?
Siri, will my credits from Clown College transfer to ITT Tech?
Siri, let’s be honest, bikes are just gay motorcyles right?
Siri, I paid for magic lessons for my cat, but now he won’t perform any magic tricks for me. Is there some sort of legal action I can take against him?
Siri, do you think the Sklar twins fuck each other?
I’ve comprised a list of things that should be considered fair reasons for a person to commit murder. I need 50,000 signatures to get these passed as law. Please, please help rid the world of these people.
1. Pulling out a list in front of someone at Subway. Those lazy fuckers won’t lose any weight anyways if you bring them a sweet onion chicken teriyaki right to their computer chair. (It’s not diet food if it’s covered in ranch ass-holes)
2. Calling shotgun while still in the house. (It’s like calling all-time shotgun for the whole day, it doesn’t actually exist.)
3. Using the word ‘epic’ to describe a hamburger or a night out at the local bar. (Spending 40 bucks on Jager bombs with five of your ass-hole friends is not epic. Epic is sharing a dragon burger with Robert Plant while Jennifer Aniston licks peanut butter off your toes.)
4. Asking a college kid how school is going. (It’s not going well, and they can’t wait to leave this awkward family event so they can get high on bath salts or jenkem or whatever the fuck kids do now.)
5. Wearing white sneakers with a leather coat. (I’m talking about you, 45 year old white males.)
6. Telling high school football stories after the age 21. (Did you ever notice the ones who talk about it the most are the ones who didn’t really play anyways?)
7. Playing someone’s turn on Super Mario Bros. and dying when they go into the other room to get a re-fill on kool-aid. (It’s bad enough they have to play with Luigi man.)
8. Being Michael Bay (Don’t be Michael Bay)
9. Pinching your nose when jumping off a diving board. (If you’re over 3 and you do this you deserve to be drowned in the baby pool.)
10. Wearing your tie on your head during a wedding reception. (This just made the 2012 Douchebag Hall of Fame.)
I’ve devised a fool-proof scientific test to help you understand the severity of your alcohol or drug problem, or lack of. Answer all these questions honestly and at the end tally up how many you answered A,B, or C. At the end there will be a scale to determine where you stand.
Q1. The big marathon you’ve been training for is tomorrow so you….
A. Make sure to stay hydrated, stretch thouroughly and get plenty of rest for the big race.
B. Go to the bar, get dead-beat dad drunk on well vodka, say fuck it and skip the marathon.
C. Make sure to stay hydrated, wake up the next day, spend an entire week’s check on cocaine, break the world record for the fastest first half mile, then get kicked out of the race for fighting a volunteer that passes out water.
Q2. You’ve been notified that you have to report to rehab for drug abuse in 48 hours so you…
A. Quickly go to the court house to clear up this obvious misunderstanding.
B. Finish the beer and whiskey shot in front of you, and then one more beer, then go to the court house to clear up this possible misunderstanding.
C. Spend the next two days doing every drug you can get your hands on.
Q3. It’s your family Christmas, and your relatives say to you….
A. “Merry Christmas & Happy New Year”, then you have a wonderful time!
B. “It’s noon, don’t you think it’s a little too early to be drinking that much liquor”, then you have a wonderful time!
C. “Why don’t you smoke that outside”, then you try to smoke a joint full of mistle-toe because you finished all of your ‘travel marijuana.’ then you have a wonderful time!
Q4. The traveling circus is in town so you…
A. Buy a ticket then go to the circus.
B. Stay at the bar, make fun of the circus then barf well tequila into your hat.
C. Buy a ticket then go to the circus. (on drugs)
Q5. You’ve just won $1,800 on a scratch off lottery ticket so you…
A. Tithe the first 10%, make an extra payment on your student loan, then take your grandparents out to an early dinner at Friendly’s.
B. Spend it buying drinks and shots for everyone in the bar and learn what it feels like to have friends, if just for a night.
C. Purchase a new Zippo lighter and pack of smokes, then buy $1767 worth of cocaine and pills.
Q6. On the last first date you were on you….
A. Dropped that person off early, got a good night kiss and are still with them today.
B. Go to town on that person in the back of a Dodge Status for hours, never finishing, and have yet to talk to them since.
C. Rushed that person to the E.R. while stabbing them in the chest with an adreniline needle after a near fatal cocaine/pill cocktail, and are still with them today.
If you answered A to any of these questions you do not have a problem with drugs or alcohol and you’re probably pretty boring to be around. If you answered B. to only one of these questions you have a problem with alcohol. Here is the severity chart: (1-2 B’s) David Hasselhoff (3-4 B’s) John Daly (5-6 B’s) Peter O’Toole. If you answered C to any of these you have a drug problem and if you REALLY answered C to one you should get help like now! (1-2 C’s) Motley Crue (3-4 C’s) Charlie Sheen (5-6 C’s) Amy Winehouse. You’re Welcome, @MoMohler
http://wesingyourtweets.posterous.com/re-sweet-momohler Funny video of one of my tweets turned into a song!