Drug and Alcohol abuse test. 100% scientifically proven
I’ve devised a fool-proof scientific test to help you understand the severity of your alcohol or drug problem, or lack of. Answer all these questions honestly and at the end tally up how many you answered A,B, or C. At the end there will be a scale to determine where you stand.
Q1. The big marathon you’ve been training for is tomorrow so you….
A. Make sure to stay hydrated, stretch thouroughly and get plenty of rest for the big race.
B. Go to the bar, get dead-beat dad drunk on well vodka, say fuck it and skip the marathon.
C. Make sure to stay hydrated, wake up the next day, spend an entire week’s check on cocaine, break the world record for the fastest first half mile, then get kicked out of the race for fighting a volunteer that passes out water.
Q2. You’ve been notified that you have to report to rehab for drug abuse in 48 hours so you…
A. Quickly go to the court house to clear up this obvious misunderstanding.
B. Finish the beer and whiskey shot in front of you, and then one more beer, then go to the court house to clear up this possible misunderstanding.
C. Spend the next two days doing every drug you can get your hands on.
Q3. It’s your family Christmas, and your relatives say to you….
A. “Merry Christmas & Happy New Year”, then you have a wonderful time!
B. “It’s noon, don’t you think it’s a little too early to be drinking that much liquor”, then you have a wonderful time!
C. “Why don’t you smoke that outside”, then you try to smoke a joint full of mistle-toe because you finished all of your ‘travel marijuana.’ then you have a wonderful time!
Q4. The traveling circus is in town so you…
A. Buy a ticket then go to the circus.
B. Stay at the bar, make fun of the circus then barf well tequila into your hat.
C. Buy a ticket then go to the circus. (on drugs)
Q5. You’ve just won $1,800 on a scratch off lottery ticket so you…
A. Tithe the first 10%, make an extra payment on your student loan, then take your grandparents out to an early dinner at Friendly’s.
B. Spend it buying drinks and shots for everyone in the bar and learn what it feels like to have friends, if just for a night.
C. Purchase a new Zippo lighter and pack of smokes, then buy $1767 worth of cocaine and pills.
Q6. On the last first date you were on you….
A. Dropped that person off early, got a good night kiss and are still with them today.
B. Go to town on that person in the back of a Dodge Status for hours, never finishing, and have yet to talk to them since.
C. Rushed that person to the E.R. while stabbing them in the chest with an adreniline needle after a near fatal cocaine/pill cocktail, and are still with them today.
If you answered A to any of these questions you do not have a problem with drugs or alcohol and you’re probably pretty boring to be around. If you answered B. to only one of these questions you have a problem with alcohol. Here is the severity chart: (1-2 B’s) David Hasselhoff (3-4 B’s) John Daly (5-6 B’s) Peter O’Toole. If you answered C to any of these you have a drug problem and if you REALLY answered C to one you should get help like now! (1-2 C’s) Motley Crue (3-4 C’s) Charlie Sheen (5-6 C’s) Amy Winehouse. You’re Welcome, @MoMohler